A stranger in my own head and a bitter-sweet goodbye for now.

 

In only a matter of hours I will be embarking on a journey the farthest outside my comfort zone possible. This has left a bizarre feeling in my mind; a kind of feeling that is beyond my ability to explain in such a way that it does justice to my skewed state of mind… but I will, of course try.

To me New Mexico has always been a prison; a place that I have always dreamed of escaping but always had a hold on me. Growing up I never felt that I belong in the desert southwest, despising sunshine and the stress-free living, I felt like I was an alien.  I mean what person longs for a place where traveling across town would be an adventure of colorful characters and countless aggressive encounters? I saw myself yelling, “I’m walking here,” to a car that come uncomfortably close to me as I cross the street, or being in a place where I am the only person who knows English for more than, a comfortable, hundred miles.

With the Peace Corps many of my life long ambitions are coming true, so then you may ask, why am I not jumping for joy only being a few hours away from my life long dreams being realized? Well I am right there with you in your bewilderment. Faced with the prospect of leaving, suddenly I realize how beautiful the Sandia Mountains are, or just how nice the sun feels against my face as it emerges from behind a large cloud. Moreover, I realize how important my family is to me, but that is a whole other can of worms that I will have to open another day.            

I once heard this radio program about the strange affects larger-than-life concepts have on the human mind. They used a story about how an extremely stoic man becomes a sobbing mess while in an airplane. He talked about how when he an atypical emotional moment in a movie or in an interaction around him, he would uncontrollably start to cry. He deduced that it was because he was in the mist of experiencing something that the mind could not wrap around (in this case it is the act of flying in an airplane at an extremely fast speed and an unimaginable distance from the earth) has some adverse affects. Now, I know what you may be thinking, “it is human nature to long for things it suddenly does not have,” but I do not think that is the case in this instance because my disgust for sunshine and how I view the same unchanged landscape has not change. I think that my mind is unable to comprehend what is about to happen and that is why I have this bizarre feeling.

There is only thing that I do know for sure. I am going to miss all of the friendships that I have established in my life. Every single person I call a friend has brought a their own light to my life and I know that the light my family has brought to my life is by far the brightest and I feel guilty that I realized this so late in my life.

Cheers,

Jacob