Where I come from Part II

 

South of Albuquerque

         Nob Hill/UNM area Albuquerque

White Sands. Southern New Mexico

Outside Taos, Northern New Mexico

 Mountains in Northern New Mexico

Highest Peak in New Mexico 

13,161ft/ 4,011m above sea level

Buglarian dinners.....

I can honesty say that until I came to Bulgaria I forgot about how wonderful sitting down for dinner with my family was. Eating dinner in Bulgaria is an important event, one that every member of the family is required to attend. I don’t mean this in the negative sense because gathering for dinner is something that is looked forward to and is by no means a dreaded mandatory occasion. It is a time when the family collects together and discusses, argues, and converses about anything and everything important in their lives. Lately when I sit down for dinner with my host family I am reminded of days long ago when I sat down with my own family for dinner to do the same.  Looking back I never really valued these times and I regret that. Until very recently I could not identify with any part of my family. I felt this to the point that I didn’t see any physical resemblance or feel any emotional obligatory identity with these people. I imagine that I had the same connection to my family as an adopted child feels to his or her family. I don’t mean this because I was neglected or mistreated by my parents. On the contrary, I could not of had a better up bringing. Even though my parents split during the first years of my secondary education there was never a vacuum of attention or love. I had, so called, internal demons to deal with that hindered my emotional development beyond the shelter my family could provide in the current society, but the important thing is that they were there and that is more then a lot of people can say. The problem was that I was the one who couldn’t be there, at least with my true self. To a great degree I still feel this, the very few times of the year that we do gather around a meal I cannot be myself. I feel that I can never walk into our Christmas gatherings with my own family and be on the same level as my brothers or cousins, and it hurts. It hurts so much that I recoiled and to the best of my ability disconnected myself from it all.

Bulgarian society pretty much slapped me in the face with that nostalgic feeling of family and meal times with them. I remember a time when I felt on equal footing with my brothers and didn’t feel that dread deep down difference with them. I remember a time when we all sat around that table eating and laughing and just being simple. I don’t think life will ever feel that simple again but at the very least I can spend time with the people who I can call family and melt into a place sheltered from the trials and tribulations life constantly volleys towards us. I know I just got here but I can’t wait to gather with my family after my service in Bulgaria and settle into a meal where the conversation will quickly be forgotten but the warmth from the familiar interaction will live on for so long that it takes a foreign event to recall that nostalgic feeling of belonging to a loving family

Growing pains perhaps

 

Today was the first time that I thought, “what am I doing here?” My first attempt at teaching an English lesson did not go well at all, my lack of Bulgarian was made painfully obvious, and I found myself craving a hamburger. Normally in situations like this I could always find solace in the fact that it is temporary and that I will be returning to my normal routine eventually, but today I felt that is not going to be the case this time. I am not going home soon and that suddenly seemed very real. Before I crashed and burned teaching that lesson I considered myself to have a great grasp on teaching and that it would transfer Continents with the same ease as the rest of my luggage. Don’t get me wrong I was never under the impression that it would be easy but somewhere deep down I thought that I would be good at it and that I could rely on my profession as the corner stone of my time in Bulgaria. I am sure I felt this because everything around me would be different but I knew that classroom dynamic of teacher/student would be the same or at least familiar and I could find a home in that but when it came time for it, that dynamic felt as foreign as the grocery stores here.

Today I also found out that one of the other volunteers in the group I came over with decided that he had enough and would be going home and I felt a bit envious of him. I thought, “soon he will be back to his life, to his family, to his friends, and to what felt comfortable.” That is when the stronger half of myself spoke up and said there is a reason you left that comfort, that normalcy, and it was so you could grow and be a stronger person. It is suppose to rain tomorrow, that always cheers me up

Time to get real

 It has only been a week since I left home and headed off for my big adventure. It has seemed like it has been longer because the bonds I have made with the 39 other people who came with me to Bulgaria as been not only made, but solidified in the stress of traveling to a completely foreign world, under the idea of promoting peace and cooperation. We left our mountain retreat this morning, the last bastion of normalcy we had left, and have been fragmented into groups of five and placed with host families in small villages throughout Northern Bulgaria. In route to our home for the next 3 months we were able to see more of Bulgaria than we had before, and on this cross-country trek it really became real for me because after coming down that mountain I finally saw Bulgaria. Bulgaria really is a beautiful place full of amazing and proud people, but it is clear that it is not like it’s Western European neighbors. I fell truly honored to be invited here and I hope to help this country in everyway I possible can.

But before I can do this I need to not only be trained on how to speak Bulgarian, understand their culture, but also how to teach English as a foreign language. This is why we have been fragmented, separated, and placed in a home with a Bulgarian family. I have been placed with a family of four. Two middle aged parents, who both work, and their two children, one boy and the other a girl. They have generously housed me in a cottage behind their house with all the amenities a person needs to live comfortably for three months of intense training, not to mention feed me delicious Bulgarian food and drink. I almost feel bad because I am cared for so well by my host family and also Peace Corps, I only hope that I will be able to repay this hospitality to my host family, their country, and to mine for sending me here to help make this world that much better. I hope my fellow volunteers have been made as comfortable in their new homes as I have.

Leka Nosht e Dovizhdane.