I was there, now what?

I've been trying for some time now to put into words the enormity of the last two years. Not only are these words elusive but they are also never the correct words, so here is my best attempt to end my blog and the tangible part of ending my time in Bulgaria.

I started this whole experience by coming up with things I wanted the Peace Corps to do, for and to me, so looking at these ideas now after they have been washed by the actual experience I am left with fragments of words and sentences torn apart from their gilded unabridged perfection by reality, like a rock torn away from it's mountain home pushed down hills, beaten by rivers, and pummeled by the ocean waves to the point that all is left is pebbles. I'll use my identity as an example, before joining the Peace Corps I had a clear picture of the person I wanted to be after living two years abroad as a volunteer. What happen instead was an identity crisis and a slew of unanswerable questions: did I become the person I wanted to, is the idea of the person I wanted to become different now, am I even different at all? All of this enough to keep a sane person from losing lots of sleep and a strong desire to buy a sports car, chop off all their hair, or some other drastic activity associated with your typical identity crisis. For awhile I had a powerful desire to buy a motorcycle, which could only be explained as a symptom of some sort of crisis but then I had an unambiguous and unsolicited realization appear in my head as if beamed down from omnipresent being shining a light on me. This clarity was that all the fix ideas and substantive goals I had were not only unnecessary but that they were hindering. That it does not matter if I am different or if I built an orphanage while I was in the Peace Corps, because concern over these take time and focus away from the enjoyment of experiences. Once I realized this I was left with only one real focus in life, only one real purpose to the Peace Corps and that being, everything is about relationships. The friendships one creates throughout life (or magnified through the Peace Corps) is what is important, and not these grandiose ideas of changing the world or oneself. I learned that my focus should not be on how to make a better me but instead it should be to about how to make a better brother, uncle, son, friend, etc. This is because these are the most important things in life, all adventures, experiences, and occurrences stem and are fostered by interactions. If a memory or event only happens to you then it only exists with you and therefore will be become fleeting and finite

The Peace Corps is a perfect micro representation of this. If you had all these ideas about all the grand change you were going to make in the community you were placed in then the results will be frustration and disappointment because it is just not going to happen. If you somehow manage to create some change it will be superficial at best and will probably dissolve once you leave. The best any volunteer can hope for is to create friendships and relationships with their neighbors and community.  I want to be clear that in no way am I trying to say that this alternative to the standard grandiose idea is less valuable, in fact I think this is far more valuable than building a school barehanded.

In connection with my per-service goals of what I wanted out of the Peace Corps I only got this realization out it all, perhaps my person will change as a result but it is not important and I no longer care.

Something I wrote for my fellow Volunteers that I read at our Close of Service conference

 I have traveled a bit while being in Bulgaria so I have spent a lot of time in Bulgarian train stations, but with the end of my time in Bulgaria looming I decided to pay more attention to these centers of transport much more carefully and fondly. When you just sit back and pay notice to life unfold in front of you, you'll begin to see stories and tales far more interesting than in those Turkish soap operas. Given this I was recently sitting on a train waiting for it to leave. It was late, as usually, and even though it was late arriving and therefore late to leave I knew that it wouldn't be departing anytime soon because all the train conductors were outside smoking. Normally I would of been irritated by the lack of punctuality and lack of information about our impending departure, but given my new vision for what was happening around me I noticed an older couple caught in a prolonged goodbye. I am sure their story was much simpler than the one I developed in my head and will share soon but I couldn't help but create a history and story for this couple. They both looked sad yet happy. Their faces featured smiles but their eyes showed pain, and here they were forced to prolong something that seemed unpleasant. It was then that I realized that this couple is a perfect representation of what will be happening to not only me but to all of us in the next three months.
Whether or not they'd like to admit it or acknowledge it we have become a family... As dysfunctional as any family that has come before it. I think of you all as my relatives and maybe all of us don't see eye to eye, get along, or love each other; there is no denying that we are forever bonded by this experience. Nobody can or will ever know what we went through, I venture to even say that no other Peace Corps group can relate to us just like we can't relate to them because we are different people here at a different time. Now the time has come to separate our family, this will be the last time we will all be together....... can you feel the weight of that? Surely you must and if you don't you should because this family understand what just happened to you. Nobody back home can relate and we have even warned that they might not care past the initial welcome home celebrations. After all could you ever really explain what a "Baba" is? I don't mean a Bulgarian grandmother, I mean a "Baba!" We do.
So as we are trapped in this bitter and prolonged goodbye waiting for our already late train to leave, realize that this time is a blessing because the universe is giving us sweet extra time, the same that it gave to that sweet couple. So with smiles, frowns, or indifference on our faces we say goodbye but our eyes should reflect the pain in our souls, the pain of saying goodbye and of our family being torn apart.