I was there, now what?

I've been trying for some time now to put into words the enormity of the last two years. Not only are these words elusive but they are also never the correct words, so here is my best attempt to end my blog and the tangible part of ending my time in Bulgaria.

I started this whole experience by coming up with things I wanted the Peace Corps to do, for and to me, so looking at these ideas now after they have been washed by the actual experience I am left with fragments of words and sentences torn apart from their gilded unabridged perfection by reality, like a rock torn away from it's mountain home pushed down hills, beaten by rivers, and pummeled by the ocean waves to the point that all is left is pebbles. I'll use my identity as an example, before joining the Peace Corps I had a clear picture of the person I wanted to be after living two years abroad as a volunteer. What happen instead was an identity crisis and a slew of unanswerable questions: did I become the person I wanted to, is the idea of the person I wanted to become different now, am I even different at all? All of this enough to keep a sane person from losing lots of sleep and a strong desire to buy a sports car, chop off all their hair, or some other drastic activity associated with your typical identity crisis. For awhile I had a powerful desire to buy a motorcycle, which could only be explained as a symptom of some sort of crisis but then I had an unambiguous and unsolicited realization appear in my head as if beamed down from omnipresent being shining a light on me. This clarity was that all the fix ideas and substantive goals I had were not only unnecessary but that they were hindering. That it does not matter if I am different or if I built an orphanage while I was in the Peace Corps, because concern over these take time and focus away from the enjoyment of experiences. Once I realized this I was left with only one real focus in life, only one real purpose to the Peace Corps and that being, everything is about relationships. The friendships one creates throughout life (or magnified through the Peace Corps) is what is important, and not these grandiose ideas of changing the world or oneself. I learned that my focus should not be on how to make a better me but instead it should be to about how to make a better brother, uncle, son, friend, etc. This is because these are the most important things in life, all adventures, experiences, and occurrences stem and are fostered by interactions. If a memory or event only happens to you then it only exists with you and therefore will be become fleeting and finite

The Peace Corps is a perfect micro representation of this. If you had all these ideas about all the grand change you were going to make in the community you were placed in then the results will be frustration and disappointment because it is just not going to happen. If you somehow manage to create some change it will be superficial at best and will probably dissolve once you leave. The best any volunteer can hope for is to create friendships and relationships with their neighbors and community.  I want to be clear that in no way am I trying to say that this alternative to the standard grandiose idea is less valuable, in fact I think this is far more valuable than building a school barehanded.

In connection with my per-service goals of what I wanted out of the Peace Corps I only got this realization out it all, perhaps my person will change as a result but it is not important and I no longer care.

Something I wrote for my fellow Volunteers that I read at our Close of Service conference

 I have traveled a bit while being in Bulgaria so I have spent a lot of time in Bulgarian train stations, but with the end of my time in Bulgaria looming I decided to pay more attention to these centers of transport much more carefully and fondly. When you just sit back and pay notice to life unfold in front of you, you'll begin to see stories and tales far more interesting than in those Turkish soap operas. Given this I was recently sitting on a train waiting for it to leave. It was late, as usually, and even though it was late arriving and therefore late to leave I knew that it wouldn't be departing anytime soon because all the train conductors were outside smoking. Normally I would of been irritated by the lack of punctuality and lack of information about our impending departure, but given my new vision for what was happening around me I noticed an older couple caught in a prolonged goodbye. I am sure their story was much simpler than the one I developed in my head and will share soon but I couldn't help but create a history and story for this couple. They both looked sad yet happy. Their faces featured smiles but their eyes showed pain, and here they were forced to prolong something that seemed unpleasant. It was then that I realized that this couple is a perfect representation of what will be happening to not only me but to all of us in the next three months.
Whether or not they'd like to admit it or acknowledge it we have become a family... As dysfunctional as any family that has come before it. I think of you all as my relatives and maybe all of us don't see eye to eye, get along, or love each other; there is no denying that we are forever bonded by this experience. Nobody can or will ever know what we went through, I venture to even say that no other Peace Corps group can relate to us just like we can't relate to them because we are different people here at a different time. Now the time has come to separate our family, this will be the last time we will all be together....... can you feel the weight of that? Surely you must and if you don't you should because this family understand what just happened to you. Nobody back home can relate and we have even warned that they might not care past the initial welcome home celebrations. After all could you ever really explain what a "Baba" is? I don't mean a Bulgarian grandmother, I mean a "Baba!" We do.
So as we are trapped in this bitter and prolonged goodbye waiting for our already late train to leave, realize that this time is a blessing because the universe is giving us sweet extra time, the same that it gave to that sweet couple. So with smiles, frowns, or indifference on our faces we say goodbye but our eyes should reflect the pain in our souls, the pain of saying goodbye and of our family being torn apart.

"Snow" in the HOT summer

Lately I have been reading a great book called "Snow," in it the main character is a poet and often finds himself in the middle of something when he has the sudden surge of universal energy in the form of poems and has to write down the things in his as soon as possible or risk losing them. I often find that this is the case with me. The only difference is I am not as disciplined in transferring this message from the cosmos onto a paper (or white a computer screen). I do, however, remember that each of these urges had the same theme, and that is the theme of total and absolute contentment. Everyday I wake up feeling like I am living the kind of life I always wanted to. In the past three months I have accomplished so many things in the way of personal fulfillment. Whether it was dancing in the local town dance group in a traditional dance front of the town, being surprised by my 10th grade class on my birthday because they showed up to my dinner before I got there and jumped out with streamers and balloons to sing "Happy Birthday", or just walking into one of my classes and being surrounded by students who want to talk to me about anything and everything, my life could not get much better. I have so many wonderful things happening in my world right now that almost feel guilty because when I signed up for Peace Corps I imagined life being so much harder than it is. My life lacks those hardships everybody warned me about, maybe it is because I don't need much to be content but I think it is because I live in such a wonderful place and surrounded by such amazing people that any 'hardship' is filled with the happiness that is brought to me by being at dinner with my great friends or the satisfaction that feel when I teach one of my classes. Now if I could I remember these urges word for word and not just their general themes.

Spring Photos

Here are some random photos from the last two months.

 Parvomay Horo Dance Group and me

Me, before taking part in a Horo dance presentation

Parvomay, Bulgaria

Workers in the fields near Parvomay

Parvomay

Wheat fields outside Parvomay

Bulgarian landscape from the train

My students in an Alphabet Day presentation

Varna, Bulgaria

Varna, Bulgaria

Varna, Bulgaria

Varna, Bulgaria

Europe Day/ Food Festival

Today was the 9th of May known as Europe Day or a day to celebrate Peace and Unity in Europe. I thought today would be the perfect day for a Food Festival at my school because it is a perfect chance for my students to learn more about the other countries in the union Bulgaria is a part of, and what better way to learn about a different culture than to take a look at their food. I (along with the 11th grade English teacher) started planning for this Food Festival back in February after I told her about my idea for this project that based on a very similar project I did when I was in high school. We broke the project up into different parts hoping to make the workload more bearable, with each part being due on a weekly basis. The first step was to create an information presentation about their countries (in English), topics like general facts, history, economy, etc. The next step was to create a travel brochure,  followed by bringing in some-sort of souvenir, and then to make a flag. The final step, of course, was the actually Food Fair. Their job was to make three parts of a meal, appetizer, main course, and dessert, as well as a beverage. We gathered some four people willing to judge the groups on several different things, such as a short presentation about their food (in English and Bulgarian), decoration, taste, and so on. The mayor of Parvomay, the school director, and education minister for the Parvomay municipality, and a staff member from the Peace Corps.

After all was said and done I was so impressed and blown away by all the hard work they had done and they made me extremely proud to be their teacher. I hope they enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed seeing them present something they worked hard on as well as how much I enjoyed their tasty food. I hope they learned something new about these places in the process because the more they know about the world around them the more they will feel like a part of it. I am planning on doing this Food Fair again next year and maybe this will be something that will continue on after I my service ends. 

First Place

Second Place (he worked alone)

Third Place

 

A year ago

One year ago today I left my home in New Mexico and started my Peace Corps service, this is what I wrote in my journal on March 27th, 2011

I am finally going back to Europe, but this time I am going back to live there! This is it, I have taken my first step towards a major life change. I am joining the Peace Corps and I will be heading to Bulgaria in a matter of hours (2 days really). I applied almost a year ago so I have had more than enough time to really mull over this but it wasn't until I left Albuquerque that I came to the realization that this is real. This morning I got on a plane and flew away from New Mexico not knowing when the next time I will see it again. I honestly always wondered how that would feel and I have to say it was more emotional than I ever thought it would be. The flight out was beautiful and added to the somber mood I was in. The sun was rising just as we took off, there were more clouds than normal and they reflected the light of the new day in a spectacular display that could only be produced in the New Mexican sky, and as we flew through the clouds Albuquerque disappeared through the blue and orange fog. It felt like the world was covering my home with a warm colored blanket protecting it and all that I love until I return.

Spring is here!

After enduring such a cold and snowy winter a warm spring day like today was more than welcome here in this part of Bulgaria. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to get outdoors and take a long walk. I set my internal compass on a near by group of ponds that I have seen many times on the train coming and going from Parvomay but have never actually been to. It took about an hour to reach this place but the whole journey I was kept company by birds dancing overhead displaying their agility and a newly green landscape that was much more pleasant to look at then the bright white coating it displayed merely a month ago or the dull brown hew it was flaunting what seemed like only yesterday.  

Once I reached the bodies of water, I found a nice grassy spot near the water where I laid down and closed my eyes. I listened the birds sing their song to the frogs who responded with their own tune. Now, I don't really understand the language of birds nor frogs but I can safely say that they were both singing about the joys of the new season. During this delightful chorus I let the sun warm my skin while the wind danced through this whole scene, adding it's part to the song between animals in the form of moving leaves and taking turns with the sun cooling my skin where the bright rays had warmed it and would begin to warm again during a lull in it's cycle. 

I'm so happy Spring is finally here, thank you Bulgaria for helping me appreciate it

Seeing France from Bulgaria

My students walking through the Louver

When I was in the 5th grade I remember having a project where I had to pick a country and present it to my class. The country I selected was France, and from that day on I dreamed of traveling to the land of baguettes and the Eiffel Tower. Almost four years ago I was luck enough to go there and I enjoyed ever millisecond of it, it was such a profound trip and really shaped my outlook on the world. It really inspired me to travel more, to see more of the world, and you could even say that it was driving force in my joining the Peace Corps. So when I found out that my school here in Bulgaria was organizing a trip to France sponsored by a European Union exchange program I was really excited and made sure that I would be able to tag along. The trip, like all trips to France, was really magical for me but by far the most amazing thing for me was seeing how my Bulgarian students', and the four teachers that also came, reactions to this captivating country. To me, France was always alluring but it was never outside of my means, or most Americans. If I really wanted to go there I could just buckle down and save money to go there, but for many Bulgarians it well outside of their ability. So for them this trip to France was truly a once in a life-time trip for them. Knowing this and being able to see their reaction to this place was beyond great because I got to see humility and amazement in it's truest and purest form. I am so lucky to be able to see this because very often it is over looked and written of as something simple tourism but for my students and a few of my fellow teachers this was real magic from which I know will inspire them beyond measure.

My students meeting some French and Portuguese students in the park in Vitre, France

Bulgarians in France

Vitre's City Hall

Some students at the school in Vitre we visited

La Mont Saint Michel

The Group

Reason to celebrate

One of my favorite things about Bulgaria is how Bulgarians are always finding reasons to celebrate. On the first of March was a really nice Bulgarian holiday called Baba Marta. It is the offical end of winter and it is marked by Bulgarians exchanging red and white bracelets called "martenitsi." They are suppose to wear these bracelets until they see a stork, a sign that winter is over because they birds have returned from their winter migration. When they see one of these birds they remove a bracelet and tie it to a tree branch. This as easily become one of my favorite Bulgarian holidays not only because it means that winter is over but also because giving and getting these bracelets was very enjoyable. Teachers usually get one from their students and in turn usually have both wrists covered in red and white strings. Since I'm a teacher I was no exception. Walking down the halls at school some children who I don't even teach were tying these martenitsi to my wrist telling me to make a wish. When the day finally ended it took the better part of the afternoon tried to remove most of them. I'm already looking forward to this holiday next year and continuing this tradition in the states when I return home.

      Also, last week was International Women's Day, a day that I didn't even know existed until I came to Bulgaria. I know that this holiday isn't limited to Bulgarian because I saw some of my friends from different countries commenting on the day for women. At school some of the children were giving their female teachers flowers and on the streets most people would tell women who passed by "Happy Holiday." That night my crew and I went to a restaurant to celebrate and it was full of people also celebrating. Some more flowers were handed out, followed by a nice meal, and some dancing. After this rough winter I can see why there have been so many holidays both during winter as well as right after, it is so easy to staying in your warm home turning cold days but these days really get you out to be social and it really nice because it makes the days more enjoyable because you are spending some forced but very pleasant time with friends

Наздраве/Şerefe/Cheers

Only too often do I find myself dwelling on the differences between Bulgarians and Americans. Sometimes this seems to be the only topic I discuss with other volunteer, but I've slowly come to realize that people aren't really so different, sure we have all have different backgrounds, values, and attitudes but underneath all of that we are all the same and just want to do the things that make us happy, and since human beings are sociable creatures by nature what brings us more joy then being surrounded by friends or family. A perfect example of this was this weekend, I was in Istanbul and I had the pleasure of going to a house party with some Turks and some Iranians. They all gathered together on a Saturday night to have a nice meal, drink some beers, listen to music, and most importantly, enjoy each others company. Since most of their conversations were in Turkish I spent a lot of time just sitting their and observing their interactions. At one point one of the girls turned to me and said, "this must be so strange for you being the only American and not being use to how we hang out," and I told her that it was in fact so very similar to what my friends and I do on the weekends or anytime we could all get together and that it was actually really comforting. The same can also be said about Bulgaria, very often do I get together with my Bulgarian friends and enjoy an evening of story telling, laughing, and enjoying spending time together. Since my world travels are fairly limited it is not possible for me to say that this is the case world wide but I would not be surprised if you found groups of friends gathering around food, music, or both and more enjoying each others company in all corners of the world.